Navigating Toxic and Annoying People for Personal Peace

00:00:00

Are there people in your life that are negative, toxic, or just really annoying? The in law that tells you how to raise your children, the show pony colleague who acts like they run the whole company, the parent who still treats you like you’re 5 years old, or the friend who’s always late, a manager who thinks you don’t have a life outside of work, or a partner who’s more interested in their phone than a heart connection. These interactions and relationships often cause us to withdraw or attack and spend way too much of our precious energy seething after the experience. Welcome to Reality Alchemist where we smash life’s illusions and cocreate an abundance of self, health, wealth, and vitality. We’ll explore practical solutions to renew your mind, unlock your potential, and level up your life. Hi, everyone. It’s doctor Madisen Harper. And in this episode, we’re going to look at common behaviors that trigger annoyance, plus a 3 step practice to abolish irritating encounters. But more importantly, we’re going to figure out why these people actually push your buttons in the first place and discover how to minimize that emotional charge during these interactions.

00:01:26

I’ve often been accused of being way too positive and not seeing some of the more challenging behaviors in others, but I too am not immune. I can actually think of certain people that I know that if they say something to me, I immediately arc up, but if another friend said the exact same thing to me, I’d be open and willing to hear it. So what’s going on? As we said before, everything is energy, so that person that makes me flinch or get charged with what they’re saying is obviously igniting something within me, so it’s more about me than about them. Let’s explore some common annoying, toxic, or challenging behaviors, and I think you may know a few of these people. First of all, let’s start with the know it alls, the one up, the better, better, best people. If you hike to hill, they’ve scaled a mountain. You’re excited about your new car, and they’ll tell you about theirs, which is shinier, faster, and more expensive. It really diminishes your joy in the moment because they’re so focused on their experience, they’re not celebrating with you.

00:02:46

Then there are those entitled and selfish human beings. They’re always late, always asking, never giving, and they never seem to be grateful even for what they do have in their lives. They rarely say thank you because this king or queen thinks most people are their loyal servants and it’s a given. Next, they’re the egotistical and it’s all about me. They wanna be the center of attention. It’s that whole conversation if enough about you and back to me. We sometimes see them as shameless self promoters just talking about their contributions, never acknowledging others in their lives, their teams, their families, their friends. And it can get really frustrating because you feel like you’re being robbed of your contribution because this person is the only planet in their solar system.

00:03:41

Then there are the needy people, the people that need constant reassurance and constant praise. And it doesn’t matter how big or small the task or contribution is, they wanna know that they’ve done an amazing job and really made a difference. Now the next group are probably the ones I personally find most challenging. They’re the manipulators, the game players, and the politickers. They’re constantly trying to get you on the same page, which is basically their page. Push their agenda and not looking at the good of all. It’s all about them and what they need out of the situation. Or you may know some people that are stingy.

00:04:27

They’re stingy with their money, their time, and their love, and they just tend to lack grace. They’re similar to the entitled and selfish people, but their motivations are actually quite different, which we’ll discover later. And how about those unsolicited advice givers? You know what you should do is the first thing that comes out of their mouth. I am really careful about giving unsolicited advice, even in my private practice, because although people come to me to expand their potential and clear any block, I know that their best solutions are the ones that they generate themselves. And I’m not gonna be so arrogant to put my success and fulfillment models onto them, but to perhaps give them some examples from my life and my clients’ lives that could guide them in a way that works best for them. Often, these people are so busy telling you what to do, instead of exploring possibilities that could actually make a real difference to your life. Or there’s just the ones who are plain disrespectful, they’ll talk over you, they don’t wanna hear anyone else’s point of view, they’re the ones that slam the door in your face when you’re walking behind them. And I remember once going to a restaurant with a group of friends, and one of the wives was so disrespectful to the team within the restaurant.

00:05:55

She would be clicking her fingers at them and getting to come over and barking her orders at them. It was really uncomfortable to be around someone like her because I literally would cringe each time she had an interaction with somebody around her. And as a result, I would overcompensate in kindness to make up for her bad behavior. Now the next one is one that I see so often, and it’s people who are the controllers. They wanna control your behaviors, your interactions, and basically just your life. They’re the sort of people that will ask, where have you been? What are you doing? What did you say to that person? Or, why are you having a meeting with Jack? You can’t talk to Sarah because everything has to go through me. So why did you have a meeting with that team? They’re inhibiting you from your free flowing conversations, relationships, and interaction. Now for those who are keen to put their ideas and dreams out there, they will most likely have come across the naysayers.

00:07:09

That’s not a good idea, or you can’t do that, the devil’s advocate to every situation. News, current affairs, everything that goes wrong in life fuels the fatalists flow. They’re focusing on things that they can’t control. I remember once when I lived in an apartment, and it was very private, except for one side of the windows which faced onto neighbors. And I was telling somebody about this, and they said, at night, do you close your blinds? And I said, well, sometimes, because I like to see the view. And they said, you better be careful because if you don’t close those blinds, someone could shoot you. This street is one of the safest streets in all of the country, and somebody’s gonna shoot me. But they’re so programmed to fear, they don’t see their fatalist behavior.

00:08:01

And also, these people become so overwhelmed that they’re like rabbits in the headlights. They are so consumed with negativity and overwhelm of the world outside them that they literally become frozen in their day to day action. I have to fess up to this next one. When I was younger, I was so judgmental, and I love to gossip. I just didn’t understand why I wanted to be so bitchy. But then later on, I realized that it was really just an insecurity within myself. These people say things like, why would you wear that? Or did you hear that Dave and Julie are getting a divorce? And then talk explicitly about things they often know nothing about. Now these last 2, I’m gonna spend a little bit more time on because you may experience them.

00:08:59

Those are the passive aggressive behaviors. The Mayo Clinic describes this as a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. For example, a passive aggressive person might enthusiastically agree to your face to take on a request of a new project, but then feel angry and resentful around it and has a very much I’ll show them attitude and fails to follow through or misses the deadlines. Here are some signs that you’re dealing with a passive aggressive person. Resentment and opposition to the request you make of them. There’s procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to those requests. They’re often cynical, sullen, or have a hostile attitude, and there’s frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated by life. How you see this behavior play out comes through a number of ways.

00:09:59

They might give you the silent treatment. I used to be really good at that. I was like, no talkies. But that’s because they don’t know how to express themselves and the walls go up, or they may just casually not see you as they walk past you. There’s also those subtle sideway insults where people go, oh my gosh, that is such an amazing dress on you. Actually, Jane wore it the other week, but it did look a lot nicer the way she put it together. Or it’s being stubborn like a dog with a bone. These people will defend their position or viewpoint so rigorously and have an argument for everything.

00:10:36

But the underlying mechanism here is they’re not really that keen to defend their position. They just know it’ll annoy you or force others to listen to them. And finally, the drama king and queen or the whiner. You know, the people who talk about the same old, same old, always talking about the same issues. They want advice, but never do anything. And they’re just time wasters waiting for advice that aligns with what they really wanna hear. Now you know these drama kings or queens because they’re also victims. Everything is happening to them.

00:11:11

It’s never their fault. You should really feel sorry for them. Let’s be honest here. Some people are just a hole who like to judge, hurt, and manipulate, and that is totally not acceptable. And there have been a couple of people I’ve experienced where I couldn’t apply the strategies I’m about to share with you. They were cruel, manipulating, lying, and inauthentic, and I can’t stand that. I remember walking out of a meeting once saying to the guy, don’t BS me and stop lying. True, but not my best moment.

00:11:50

But what it did give me was the opportunity to see why this person in particular pushed my buttons. On the whole, I found that the truly cruel, manipulative, and inauthentic people are rare. Most people are acting this way from fear, worry, and doubt, so here’s what we can do about it. You’re probably thinking, great. She’s gonna tell me how to deal with obnoxious people, and I am. But first, we’re going to explore why they’re so annoying to you. It’s time to look within and do an inversion investigation, which is the nexus of being a reality alchemist, and where I provide the most value to clients, and it’s all about getting real with yourself. The inversion investigation is where we examine what’s going on within you because nothing changes until you do.

00:12:49

Okay. Our first investigation is to ask yourself, why does this person annoy me so much? And one of the most common things I’ve seen is that they are a mirror to us. They’re basically holding up a mirror to things we don’t like within ourselves. I know sometimes when people talk to me about finances and their worry, it’s because innately, I sometimes stress about finances, or if you’re being controlled, maybe you’re controlling. Either way, it’s in you, or you’re scared of it being in you. Takers and entitled people annoy me. I’m actually annoyed at myself for allowing it to happen, so I had to learn to set up boundaries. I don’t really expect anything in return when I give, because I’m not telling, and I don’t have a scoreboard, but I do expect a fair energy exchange.

00:13:46

My other challenge is people who are egotistical. When I looked at it, it’s because I am so fearful of having that trait within me. If I think about it, I could easily develop that. I get so many beautiful messages, feedback, and emails and texts and gifts from clients and friends really appreciating my contribution. But I tend to downplay it because I don’t wanna be seen as special. When I was younger, I used to get told all the time, do you think you’re better than everyone else or special? So gosh forbid if I actually felt that way. There’s also that aspect that we have to be balanced. Because I am so fearful of being seen as special or better than or egotistical, I swung all the way to the other end.

00:14:35

So when people would give me their kind comments that were like a gift, I wouldn’t fully accept or receive them. I didn’t want to be the person that they believed was the facilitator of that. I would say things like, it’s all you, and that is true 100%. But now I add, the only thing I can take credit for is keeping clear, focused, present, and just being really open to all the energy so that I can bring through the best experience to cocreate with them. So I had to get back to that balance. So with this part of the inversion investigation, I’m going to invite you to write down a list of all the traits that annoy you in other. And then, truthfully ask yourself whether it’s in you or you’re scared of it being in you. This is a phenomenal opportunity on how you can use a Life University to learn more about yourself.

00:15:44

The next part of the investigation is to identify their true motivations and not just how they’re acting out, and then approach them from that understanding. Your in laws, they may feel like your son or daughter’s love is being taken away from them. The know it alls, they often feel insecure in their intelligence, so they have to prove themselves. These are the real motivations behind these behaviors. The entitled and the selfish, they often feel lack and that they’re missing out on life. They didn’t get the love and attention in life that they craved. The egotistical, they’re trying to validate their worth and convince themselves that everything’s all good, while they’re also convincing others. The needy, well, it’s pretty straightforward.

00:16:32

All they want is love and attention, so give it to them. The it’s all about me self promoters, it’s the same as above. They just wanna be acknowledged. And I remember a great story that Oprah shared. And she said every time she did an interview, from presidents to housewives, they’d come off the stage and say, how did I do? They just wanna be acknowledged. And most people, that is a fundamental of an interaction and a relationship. I personally have to be wary when I’m dealing with clients because I give them examples from my own life. And it’s not it’s all about me, it’s because I very quickly learned that there is that 6 degrees of separation, and if I use other people as an example, there have been instances where they could have guessed who they were.

00:17:20

These people also sometimes don’t have a life outside them. So this is their world, and they’re trying to validate their existence. Even the manipulators, game players, and the pollichickers, I can look at their motivation from a more heart centered approach because in reality, they’re just looking to be controlling for safety and security. Those that are stingy with their money, love, and time, well, it kind of makes sense. They had a lot of lack in their life, and they’re scared if they give something away, there won’t be anything left for them, instead of realizing that the universe truly is infinite and abundant. Those that give unsolicited advice, they just wanna be helpful and needed. They’re disrespectful. Well, they often don’t respect themselves.

00:18:13

There’s a lack of self love and therefore, that love can’t overflow to anyone around them. The controllers. If you look at them really closely, they are often internally out of control themselves. And as I’ve shared with you before about my eating disorder challenge, that is a way of trying to control the all or nothing. And I remember working with a man who was very controlling, and he would give you advice on exercise and diet plans, yet he was probably close to 200 kilos, which is over £400. That indication to me, I knew he was out of control in his own introvert, so he was trying to control some aspects of his extrovert. The fatalists, needless to say, they’re just scared, and they wanna discuss their fears and feel supported. I find the best way to deal with fatalists is basically to acknowledge what they’re saying and then say, you know what? That’s all outside our control.

00:19:17

But if there’s something that we can do, let me know, and I’m happy to help you. But in the meantime, let’s focus on our own backyard and what we can do to make a difference. I went and had my blood taken the other day, and the woman who took my blood, lovely lady, Russian lady, she said to me, what do you do? And I said, oh, I work with people in potential leadership, you know, help them develop the best versions of themselves. And she said to me, why do you think and she mentioned some names that I wasn’t aware of. I said, oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I actually don’t watch the news. She goes, you don’t watch the news? And I said, I look at it as like cocaine to the brain.

00:19:54

It’s not something that I really need to become addicted to, but I asked her to explain what was going on. It was basically a situation where this man had burnt his family. And she said, how can people get into those situations? And I explained to her that a majority of people are operating from fear, worry, and doubt, and we all have challenges. And I shared that even myself with my relationships. And I shared that I had had relationships where the people were addicted. And she just looked at me, she goes, oh, but you’re such a beautiful woman and girl. I said, yes. Thank you.

00:20:26

But I can’t tell you how many times when people have heard about my past relationships, they’d say, but you’re such a smart woman. No matter what, if you’re operating from fear, worry, and doubt, that will always undermine any intelligence. So make the fatalists aware of what they can control and how they can contribute, so they don’t feel overwhelmed. That will often refocus their attention from their external locus of control to their introverts and what they can truly impact. And next, the judgmental gossipers. They’re hard on themselves, so they tend to be hard on others. They put others down to make themselves feel better. Fundamentally, they’re insecure.

00:21:15

And by focusing on others instead of themselves, it’s a wonderful way to avoid looking within. I know we spend a lot of time on the passive aggressive people, but when you find out what is underlying their behavior, you might soften. They’ve often been abused as a child, neglected, and may also have low self esteem. So be really mindful of that when you’re dealing with them. And let’s finally look at the drama Kings, Queens, and Victims. These people who have a lot of drama in their lives, sometimes it’s all they know. If you look at their childhood, you’ll probably find that there was a lot of chaos. The other aspect is that drama is addictive.

00:21:59

It’s an adrenaline rush, something to fix so you can be the hero. That leads to them looking for attention, appreciation, affection, and validation. And it’s also a great distraction from the real issue. A couple of my relationships, I turned my partners into the ultimate scapegoat, so I didn’t have to focus on what I really need to focus on, which was me. Instead, I could divert all that energy into trying to fix the relationship in inverted commas because quite honestly, after all that effort and energy, I didn’t have anything left to focus on me. So it was an amazing way for me to avoid. The victims, they believe life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. It also enables them to not take responsibility for anything because sometimes they don’t trust themselves.

00:22:56

Other people tend to lavish them with attention, and they feel sorry for you. Now people know I am not the best sorrier. I was actually listening to a podcast the other day, and it was from a counselor, and they kept going as people were sharing their issues. Oh. Oh, really? That’s so horrible. You’re never gonna get that from me. I will let you have your pity party, but then I wanna focus on what we can do to really elevate you out of the muck. And also, when you are the victim, you find that people don’t wanna upset your apple cart, so they don’t wanna criticize you or upset you even more.

00:23:29

And it also gives you the right to complain. And because you have all these people on your side, you never truly drop into the anger of the situation to explore more, because you’re too busy feeling sad and getting supported by everyone. Plus, like with the drama Kings and Queens, it’s interesting to tell people your stories and get their reactions. So you don’t have to feel bored, and there’s too much drama going on. So you never have to take full accountability. My favorite approach to all of these motivators is to remind people they are powerful creators, and it’s their choice. Now you’ve probably been listening to this list of motivators thinking of others, but I really invite you to go back and think about if you have any of these attributes because you wanna get to the crux of it and focus on it and not enable distracting behaviors which are detrimental to not only you, but the relationships. And I often call this kittens.

00:24:32

It’s when somebody wants to avoid a situation that you’re talking to them about very directly, and they’ll take you on another tangent. Wanted to talk to you about these deadlines that you keep missing. And the person might respond with, did you know that there’s a whole other department over there that’s doing nothing? It’s kind of like, oh, look over there. Kittens. Aren’t they cute? Distractor. Keep people on focus and yourself as well. Now that you have these new perspectives, can you soften towards these people and in some cases even yourself instead of being annoyed with them? I invite you to list the people who annoy you, are challenging, or negative, and consider the list we just discussed and see if you can uncover their deeper motivator behind the actions. Remember, everyone you meet is fighting an internal battle you know nothing about, so be kind and compassionate.

00:25:31

And the final inversion introspection is around internal congruence. Hopefully, the above will give you different perspectives on why people annoy you, their needs and your needs. When we’re frustrated or annoyed with others, it’s often because we’re frustrated and annoyed with ourselves. Either because as I mentioned earlier, it’s a mirror or it’s a trait we possess or don’t wanna possess. We’re annoyed because we feel like we’re not handling a person in a way that honors our needs. Let’s examine how we can experience peace around any situation. As I mentioned upfront, we spend way too much time thinking about the situation, getting upset and angry instead of letting it go and coming back to our world, what we can control. Then we get really gossipy.

00:26:20

We wanna talk to others about the situation to validate that that person is horrible or irritating, or we seize because we feel judged or unaccepted or controlled, and we haven’t stuck up for ourselves. And then you just find that you can’t let go of this obsessive thinking focusing on what we don’t want instead of what we do want. And in relation to that, I wanna share a very brief story with you. A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side. The 2 monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

00:27:07

Then without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey. The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them. 2 more hours passed, and then 3, and then finally, the younger monk couldn’t contain himself any longer and blurted out, as monks, we are not permitted to touch women. How could you then carry that woman on your shoulders? The older monk looked at him and replied, brother, I set her down on the other side of the river. Why are you still carrying her? This simple Zen story reminds us to stay present and release past hurts, resentments, obsessive thinking, anger when the only person we’re really hurting is ourselves by dragging around this heavy emotional baggage that saps our energy. And let’s be honest, unless you live on an island, there are always people who will say or do things that are annoying or hurtful to you. Instead of focusing on them, let’s get congruent with your emotional needs and not get entangled in theirs.

00:28:26

Firstly, I invite you to look at compassionate boundaries versus this internal battling. Explore what motivates them, and then have a conversation. You can say to the marketing director, is there any reason why you don’t want me to have a conversation with the sales director? If they give you some BS, it will usually be their first response. As head of the department, I need to know what’s going on. You’re giving them the opportunity to say their truth so you can acknowledge their response, but then set your boundaries. I appreciate that, but collaborative communication is important to me, and relationships are my priority. I’ll happily share the relevant information in that spirit. The subtext here is I’m gonna keep doing it, staying true to myself and not play games.

00:29:17

The next aspect of compassionate boundaries versus battling is to give them what they really want. It’s the attention, the love, the acknowledgement. I know somebody who was in a relationship who was constantly nagging at their husband to do things and they weren’t good enough. What the woman really wanted was love. All this nagging actually pushed them away from the very love they were craving. When I spoke to the husband, I actually pinpointed that she did just want his attention and love, so to ignore the nagging and fulfill the motivating need. He came back to me about a month later and said that it was a huge game changer. She actually became more loving, less needy, and controlling.

00:30:07

We all have our challenges, so please know that these behaviors are born from people’s pain and challenges and insecurities. So look for the good in others and they’ll tend to rise up to your expectations, which leads us to the 3rd aspect of looking for the good in others. Instead of thinking mind your own business, you meddling so and so, remember what could be motivating them and replace the negative with some appreciation. I appreciate that my kids spend time with their grandparents or that my manager trusts me with all that important work. And even as our parents are still telling us all the mistakes we’re making at 40 as though we were 4 years old, acknowledge that your parents do truly love you, and they don’t want you to make mistakes. For the friend who’s always late, you can think, well, they always make me laugh and they’re always there for me when I need them. And if you’re having some troubles finding some of those positive things and being grateful for the other person, you can use the all encompassing, they’re doing the best that they can. Now we’ve talked about what’s happening if you’re battling with the situation.

00:31:13

You’re looking at their motivators, you’re giving them what they really want, and you’re looking for the good in them and being grateful for them. But there are some times when you do have to set boundaries, and the best way to do that is with a gracious conversation. You can say something like, I really understand that you wanna help me with x, y, and zed, or fill in the blank. Then say how you feel, not what they’re doing to you, but how you feel. And be truthful. In reality, you’re not really annoyed, but from the advice giver, you feel like you’re not capable. And with the manipulators and controllers, you can say, I just feel like I’m not on my own journey and it stops me from feeling free. See how they respond to these authentic conversations.

00:31:57

Do not go in with the expectation that you’re gonna change them. It’s just an awareness exercise. But what it will do is make you feel better within yourself because you’re standing up for yourself and honoring your authentic need. And the last principle is just let go and be present. Stop the obsessive thinking about what was said, what it means, how horrible they are. It’s overwhelming. Who do they think they are? It’s just exhausting. So the best thing to do is let go and be present, just like those must.

00:32:32

Another of my favorite Zen Proverbs is let go or be dragged. When you walk away from the situation, don’t let it erode you any longer. There were a lot of opportunities for change in your inversion investigation, but I did wanna share some additional practices that you can do in these situations. These are physical practices. Sometimes when you’re going in to meet whoever you are and you know how you’ve already almost got your hackles up because you think, every time I’m with these people, there’s a fight, it’s negative, I can’t stand it, it’s overwhelming. Put a virtual sign on you that says just visiting, and be mindful as you do it to come back to within you. Come back within your heart space, to your home, your introvert, and just stay true to you. The other thing you can do in these situations is just witness and say, that’s interesting.

00:33:31

It’s like watching a drama on TV or at the movies. Remember, their behavior says more about them than it says about you, and they’re having their own internal battle. So just watch it. Don’t engage, and don’t make it about you. And as mentioned earlier, it is always worth investing in having an authentic one on one conversation to make them aware of how you feel. If they don’t change, that’s none of your business. But it is boundaries time, so walk away, don’t engage, and be true to you. I will also do a mindfulness audio to allow you to release any of the charge or negativity that you’ve taken on from others, basically doing a negative energy probe so that you can be you and let them be them.

00:34:20

If you found this podcast valuable, then please subscribe, download, review, and share the love with those around you. You can also head over to my for show notes and explore other free resources. If you have questions, you can visit the same link to submit them, and I’ll attempt to answer them on the live stream on Facebook, YouTube, and maybe Instagram if I can figure out the tech. You can also click on the link on that page to add it to your calendar and attend live, but all recordings will be posted. Our launch live stream is Monday, March 23rd, Sydney, Australia time 6 PM, New Zealand 8 PM, LA, 12 midnight on 23rd the UK, 7 AM and for those on the East Coast of the US, you can catch that recording or submit your questions in advance because it is on March 23rd at 3 AM your time. I hope you found today’s episode insightful. It all comes down to letting them be them, come back to your locus of control, and you be you. Be grateful for what they’re teaching you, and fuel it to learn, grow, and become the best version of yourself.

00:35:46

There is no time and space and we’re all connected, so I’ll believe in you until you believe in yourself. Thank you so much for letting me live my why.