Gratitude Unleashed:

Appreciation for a Joyful and Fulfilling Life

[00:00:01]

If you’re feeling negative, forgetful, resentful, or emotionally and physically exhausted, gratitude is your practice. It’ll counteract negative internal and external factors that erode your awesome life. In this session, we’ll be looking at the research on the benefits of gratitude, the difference between gratitude and appreciation, and why I’ve chosen to focus on the latter. Plus, I’ll share simple rituals you can easily integrate into your day along with a mindfulness practice, all so you can be happy now, not happy when. Welcome to Reality Alchemist™, where we smash life’s illusions and cocreate an abundance of self, health, wealth, and vitality.

We’ll explore practical solutions to renew your mind, unlock your potential, and level up your life.

As I mentioned in the last episode, this is the second of the two practices that I’ve been challenged to adopt but have witnessed as an integral part of the most fulfilled, successful, and happy people. And the great news is that it’s not dependent on income, social position, or status.

[00:01:30]

Hi, everyone. It’s Madisen, and here is my confession.

I have resisted being grateful for years. And, as with meditation, I like to think that I don’t have the time, but it’s even worse than that.

What a brat I am not to want to be grateful, especially when I know you get what you focus on. So why wouldn’t I want to embrace the whole aspect of being thankful for life?

I found that it’s a challenge for most people, but it is, as I said, one of those aspects that the most successful and fulfilled people in the world practice.

This quote is a great reminder: “If you’ve forgotten the language of gratitude, you’ll never be on speaking terms with happiness.”

[00:02:19]

There are a lot of crazy things going on in this mixed-up world.

So, let’s harness this gratitude, baby.

What is gratitude?

Robert Emens and Michael McCullough define gratitude as a 2 step process.

Firstly, it’s about recognizing that one has obtained a positive outcome, and secondly, it’s recognizing that there is an external source for this positive outcome.

Their definition is that most of these positive benefits come from other people, whereas researchers define appreciation as the act of acknowledging the goodness in life.

In other words, seeing the positive in events and experiences or other people. To me, gratitude infers that it’s all about an external locus of control.

So things outside me are impacting on what I deem as something amazing in my life.

[00:03:15]

Whereas appreciation has that internal focus, and as you know, because I’m all about that inversion to impact and making changes from the inside out, I’m choosing to focus on appreciation.

Be it thankfulness, appreciation, or gratitude, it doesn’t matter.

Just practice it.

One thing I do wanna make clear is it’s not about being in a constant state of denial and putting your head in the sand.

Gratitude works when you’re grateful for something real. There is no use being grateful if you’ve experienced trauma or you’re in a bad relationship.

Don’t try and make a bad situation great because then you are suppressing the emotions that need to be heard. So use gratitude for good instead of denial.

[00:04:07]

Emens and McCullough are at the forefront of the growing body of research that provides hard data to back up the philosophy of gratitude and how it can improve health.

They did really interesting research at the University of Miami, and it involved three groups that completed a short journaling task for 10 weeks.

In group 1, they were told to focus on gratitude, where they briefly described five things they were grateful for that occurred in the past week.

The second group, well, had an annoyance focus, so they recorded daily hassles from the previous week that made them annoyed or displeased them.

Then, there was a neutral focus group, where participants had to list five events or circumstances that affected them, but they weren’t told to focus on a positive or a negative.

Here’s what they found: Participants in the gratitude group felt, on the whole, better about their lives. They were 25% happier than the group that focused on annoyances, and they also had fewer health complaints. I found this one really interesting.

[00:05:16]

They exercise on average one and a half hours more per week. Others positively noticed their gratitude and their attitude.

According to the researchers, the spouses of the participants in the gratitude group reported that the participants appeared to have a higher subjective well-being than did the spouses of the participants in the control groups.

So, happiness, feeling better and healthier, better relationships, and exercising more- I think that’s pretty awesome for a once a week practice.

No matter what term you wanna use- gratitude, appreciation, or thankfulness- I think we just need to do it as there are so many benefits, and the scientific evidence backs it up.

It changes your brain, increases your happiness, boosts your immunity, and improves your relationships, energy, and productivity.

Let’s start with one of my favorite things to study: neuroscience. Let’s examine why gratitude makes us happier and healthier.

[00:06:26]

Scientists say that this practice changes the molecular structure in our brains, and it keeps our gray matter functioning happier and healthier.

When we’re really grateful, we’re synchronizing the activation in multiple parts of our brain.

Firstly, it lights up parts of our brain’s reward pathways and the hypothalamus.

In short, just like Prozac, gratitude can boost neurotransmitter serotonin and activate the brain stem to produce more dopamine.

Upward Spiral author Dr. Alex Korb says even just seeking gratitude has benefits, maybe even more so than the actual person or experience you’re grateful for.

It makes it an awesome manifestation practice. Dr. Korp says thinking of things you are grateful for forces you to focus on the positive aspects of your life.

That means even thinking about being grateful sparks your brain’s activity.

[00:07:27]

The more you do it, the easier it gets. It is actually like a muscle.

It increases your dopamine production, and it encourages your brain to seek out more of the same.

Your brain is basically saying, “Oh, yeah. Give me more of that good stuff,” which means the more grateful you are, the more you will find to be grateful for.

It’s just a simple factor of what you appreciate actually does appreciate.

From a scientific perspective, it’s just Hebb’s Law in action, which states that neurons that fire together wire together.

Now, let’s look at some of the benefits associated with gratitude in relation to physical and psychological well-being.

[00:08:11]

From a physical perspective, it’s been shown that gratitude lowers blood pressure and cholesterol.

In a study, they watched people who did a gratitude journal for 2 months, and it also reduced inflammation and improved heart rhythm.

Further research on gratitude journals found participants reporting 16% fewer physical symptoms and 10% less physical pain. They slept better. Their sleep quality improved by 25%.

Now, let’s look at some of the psychological impacts. It has been shown to reduce anxiety, and people did become less depressed. They felt more energetic, and after a blood test, it actually showed the lowest levels of heart inflammation and plaque buildup in their arteries.

[00:09:02]

For people who are diagnosed as clinically depressed, it showed that they were 50% less grateful than non depressed people.

It’s kind of a case of ‘the better it gets, the better it gets,’ and the worse it gets, well, the worse it gets.

It does help make you more resilient because if you’re constantly scanning your life and environment for things to be thankful for, you’re focusing your awareness there.

You’re celebrating successes and putting challenges into perspective. One of the biggest things that gratitude generates is social connection and real social capital. Simply, gratitude just makes us nicer people. We’re seen as more trusting, more empathetic, more social, and more appreciative. It’s easier for us to make friends, it deepens our existing relationships, and it can improve our marriage.

[00:09:56]

We experience good feelings, and we bounce back from stress. This all feeds into improving our self-esteem through that glorious dopamine boost.

And gentlemen, here’s an alert for you. Women are seen as being more grateful, and perhaps the men don’t really love to show how thankful or appreciative they are because they have that feeling of indebtedness.

But this is just an unconditional practice.

Because I’m very focused on work and personal life, I wanna give you some insight into how gratitude helped in the professional environment. It can help with high performance. Saying a genuine thank you may heighten your team member’s performance.

[00:10:47]

There was some interesting research at Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.

They had two groups of university fundraisers making phone calls to solicit alumni donations.

The first group just did it how they always did it.

The second group received a pep talk from the director of annual giving, who told the fundraiser she was so grateful for their efforts. So what happened?

Well, the following week, those who received her message of gratitude made 50% more fundraising calls.

That research is being reinforced because it found that when people are thanked by a manager or even a distant supervisor, they are 50% more productive afterward. I found this really interesting. They surveyed 2,000 Americans, who revealed that while 50% of people express gratitude to their family on a daily basis, only 15% do so with their colleagues.

[00:11:51]

The workplace ranked as the last place where people are regularly inclined to say thank you, and 79% of people who quit their jobs cite lack of appreciation as their reason for leaving.

You can have all these engagement and attrition strategies, but appreciation could be your key. I also find appreciation valuable when it comes time for feedback.

When you consistently highlight what somebody is doing amazingly and give them very specific examples of what they’ve done, it helps to build your emotional bank account.

Most of the time, when somebody needs to have a chat with you, it’s usually to tell you something is an issue, and that doesn’t land well with the person who’s receiving the feedback.

If you have a good emotional bank account of where you give praise and feedback for improvement, they’re more likely to listen and be less resistant. If you’re one of those people who’s an active appreciator, then you’ll see that there are a lot more positive emotions within your teams, less stress, and fewer health complaints. There’s a greater sense of, like, we can do this.

[00:13:08]

We’re all in this together. There are fewer sick days, and there is higher job satisfaction and teammate satisfaction too.

There are so many benefits to practicing gratitude, and the biggest benefit is to ourselves.

One of the biggest benefits, I think, is that it allows us to be happy now, and it closes that gap of I’ll be happy when to ” and replaces it with ” I’ll be happy now.

Author Brene Brown, who is well known for her vulnerability, says it perfectly. I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness.

It’s right before me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude. And also, from an energetic perspective, I believe that being grateful is your transmission out into the world.

[00:13:57]

I look at it a little bit like if a friend keeps asking you for dinner or to go to the movies or to get together for a social function, if you keep saying no, they stop asking. And that’s basically what you’re saying to your subconscious mind. When you deny thankfulness and appreciation, you’re clearly saying to your subconscious, “That’s not important to me. ” You’re not going to seek more of the same.

Your subconscious says, “Roger that,” because remember, it is just taking the data from the conscious mind, and it says, “Well, that’s fine. We won’t give you any more of the same.”

Before we go into the practicalities of integrating gratitude and appreciation, we must discover any patterning within you that has or may sabotage your success in implementing this amazing practice.

This is a nexus of being a reality alchemist where I provide the most value to my clients, and it’s all about getting real with yourself. I’ve given you the benefits and the research of being grateful.

[00:15:02]

So, basically, it’s a no-brainer. But why are we so frugal with our expression of it?

The inversion investigation is where we examine what’s happening within you because nothing changes until you do.

Unlike our meditation discussion from episode 2, I can’t say that you’re not exactly aware of how to be nice.

So, let’s look at some reasons why you may not express appreciation and consider how they apply to you. One of the most common ones is that you’re hard on yourself and don’t appreciate yourself. You have those same high demands or judgments of others.

And sometimes, when you’re empty inside, when you don’t feel full of appreciation for yourself, it’s really challenging to give anything to anyone else from a barren plate. You may not want to hear this one, but you could be stingy with grace and generosity.

[00:16:02]

Again, you’ll probably find you’re not kind to yourself either, but I can’t tell you how fulfilling it is for the giver and the receiver of appreciation even when it’s yourself. It’s an amazing gift. When I hear someone say amazing things about someone else, I tell them to tell the person they were talking about what they just said. Or if I’m speaking to that person, I’ll say, you know, I was just talking to Jeff and he said he loves how strategic and engaging you are when you run project meetings. So I’m really specific about it. What I notice is people are so surprised and you’ll probably witness that they have a little bit of trouble receiving the compliment, but my aim is just to give the gift away. In terms of that generosity, you’ll find when you come from a very full place, it just overflows. And I remember talking to a client, and they mentioned that there was a gentleman there who was always so acknowledging and giving and encouraging.

[00:17:00]

And I said, so what do you think makes him different to other people? And my client wisely said, he said, he’s full. He’s full of love. And when you are that way for yourself, then it obviously overflows out into others. Operating from fight or flight instead of being heart centered could get in your way. If you are constantly battling your day to day, you are so focused on survival that you really have no space to look for anything great in yourself and the surrounds. If you find that you’re often anxious, mindfulness will definitely help ease you into a state where you’re less stressed and more in flow. Being too results oriented means you’re sometimes so focused on the results that you forget that there’s a huge journey to get there. And remember the statistics we said before.

[00:18:01]

79% of people leave their company because they’re not appreciated. So if you think you’re too busy to show appreciation to your team as you’re going through the journey or your family or whatever it is, then think how busy you’ll be replacing all your team members when they walk out the door. Most people are treating life like a to do list, not an experience to be treasured. They’re so busy racing through life that they’re forgetting to appreciate it. I often used to joke when I saw tourists being around the Sydney Opera House, one of the wonders of the world. They would be living their vacation through the lens of a camera instead of the lens of their senses. It’s great to do both. Have the pictures that reignite the memories.

[00:18:46]

But those memories will be amplified when you experience them fully using all your senses. Not being present is a huge one. Most people are thinking about the past and the future that they’re not fully reveling in life’s moment. And because your mind is focusing on time that isn’t the here and now, there’s no way to appreciate it. If you find yourself doing this, take a deep breath, connect into your body and list 3 to 5 things you appreciate right now. If none of these feel right to you, then use my quantum q and a process to uncover your challenge. The link again will be in the show note. Then ask yourself this question.

[00:19:34]

What within me makes it hard for me to acknowledge and express gratitude? And don’t stop delving until you get that, wow, that’s it insight, and you’ll know you’ve hit it. And because this inversion investigation is the key to unlocking your Reality Alchemist, this section is also documented in the show notes at madisonharper.comforward/alchemist and scroll down to the show notes section. I so love this quote. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Go make yourself and others feel great. This is an emotional muscle. Let’s look at 3 practices to amplify our attitude towards appreciation. The first practice we’re going to focus on is heightening connection.

[00:20:27]

And this is where we get what’s in our head out and express it to other people. I would like for you to make it your intention to express appreciation towards 3 people each day, and it has to be genuine. It’s not about ticking it off the list. There’s so much value in that, a lot of the times we don’t even look up, we don’t even see people, we don’t even connect, let alone talk to them, we’re usually just throwing money over the counter to pay for our coffee or whatever. I realized something the other day. I was at the local grocery store, and in the prepared food section, there was some meats that I wanted to get for my little pomeranian minka, and it was being discounted. The gentleman who worked in the supermarket actually said, are you interested in these? And I said, yeah, I am. I said, I just wanna get them for my dog and he said to me, hold on a second, and he discounted it 2 times more.

[00:21:20]

It was so simple for me to say, I really appreciate you doing that. That was really thoughtful of you. You would think that I gave him a $1,000,000. It was interesting to see how little we connect, and it takes so little to make somebody feel good about themselves. The other benefit is, if think of the ripple effect of that, if he’s feeling good and feeling fine and got a nice compliment, of course, he’s gonna move forward in his day in a different attitude. Say thank you and connect, and really appreciate the people who you wanna enhance your relationships with and just the world around you. In general, it just highlights the positives in them and daily life, and that fuels hopefulness and future successes. This works really well in your love relationships, but it’s important to be specific.

[00:22:12]

I remember once I was at a retreat and listening to a friend of mine talk to her husband who had been grocery shopping. And he said, hi, honey. I came home and I bought a watermelon. And she goes, oh, my gosh. That’s amazing. Thank you so much. I actually bought 2 watermelons. She goes, oh, my gosh.

[00:22:31]

That’s amazing. You’re so good. Thank you. And I thought he just went grocery shopping and bought 2 watermelons, please. But then I realized that he’d driven 45 minutes to and from the grocery store, something that she didn’t have to do. He thought about what she wanted, and he brought it back for her because ladies, ultimately, men just wanna make us happy. And when we’re not grateful for it, guess what happens? It’s just like that subconscious mind, they go, Roger that? I’m not gonna do any more of it. There’s some really interesting research from doctor John Gottman at the University of Washington who’s done over 20 years of research on marriages.

[00:23:12]

And in 3 minutes, he can predict with 90% accuracy which relationships will flounder or flourish. Drum roll. Here’s what they are. Unless a couple is able to maintain a high ratio of positive to negative encounters, and that’s 5 to 1 or greater, it’s likely that their marriage will end. And that formula is for every negative expression, a complaint, a frown, a put down, an expression of anger, the eye rolls. There needs to be about 5 positive ones to counteract it. So the smiles, the compliments, the laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude. Another thing I really enjoyed from that research is he said he also knew if he asked one partner why they fell in love with the other and they couldn’t answer, that relationship was a goner.

[00:24:12]

I’ve dealt with a number of people who have had relationship challenges, and I have to encourage you to start this practice of 5 to 1 before you start thinking of it as a chore and before you’ve got to that resentful stage where you’re thinking, I’m not saying anything nice to that so and so, because gratitude then becomes a currency and it loses its potency. An example with children, if you encourage them to practice gratitude, it actually increases their optimism, their life satisfaction, and their satisfaction with school. One of the quickest ways to learn something is to teach it, so it’s a great opportunity to start with your children. Also, think about your relationships, your friendship. How often do you tell your friends that you appreciate them? Telling them or sending them a note or sending them a text. One of my best friends, Rebecca, we are in the ultimate appreciation relationship because she loves giving gifts and I love receiving them because it’s my love language. It’s really nice to get them because it’s showing me that she’s thinking about me when she’s out and about, and she loves that I am the most excited person in the world to receive them. So it shows her how much I appreciate her efforts.

[00:25:37]

Plus, by acknowledging your friends and telling them how amazing they are, it actually highlights their gifts to them as well. We’ve already heard about how appreciation just catapults things at work. And if you think about it, people wanna be around grateful, happy, thankful, appreciative people. I can actually think of an instance where I worked with a colleague whose vocabulary revolved around, I’m gonna rip them a new a hole, and calling somebody at a Christmas party, a word that’s too X-rated for this personal growth podcast. They were angry and controlling and complaining. And can you guess what their likability factor was? Nobody wanted to be around them, and the sad thing was they were competent, and in many ways, they had the most beautiful heart. But IQ gets you the job, and EQ gets you the promotion. When you are a happy, grateful, optimistic person, you’re both seeking it out and you’re appreciating it in others.

[00:26:50]

Because let’s be honest, people like being around likable people. I had to laugh one day, I walked into a client’s foyer, and they were having a major transition period, and some of the team members who was working within this project came up to me and said, “Oh my gosh, it’s horrible up there. Can you go upstairs and spread your unicorn dust?”

Appreciation is just energy. And on a side note, one of my other clients gave me a bracelet that says, be the brightest effing unicorn in the room, and I’ll take that too. Other ways that you can improve appreciation at work is have an appreciation wall where you post specifics on what people have done, a relationship that they may have smoothed over, something that where they helped a colleague, went over and above. And another thing I love to do is appreciation in team meetings. And people are often fighting to tell each other how amazing they are. And it’s a simple thing, you can do at the beginning of each team meeting depending on how big your team is.

[00:28:00]

So the person to the left of you, you just tell them what you appreciate about them for this week. And be specific because that really connects with the heart. It doesn’t feel like you’re just talking on a global level. What I found interesting is that the former CEO of Campbell Soup wrote 30,000 thank you notes. So, if they can do it, we can do three a week.

Now, we’ve talked about appreciating people and circumstances and contributions, but think also about appreciating the physical things around you. Have you ever noticed when a house is left unattended, it doesn’t have inhabitants in it, it becomes dilapidated? And it could be sitting there for 2 years, and it just seems to get worse and worse. Whereas, if somebody lived in it, it’s almost like that love energy keeps it more pristine.

[00:28:58]

Another example is I had a friend who owned an organic fruit and vegetable business, and they’d had it for years. And every time I talk to her, she’d say things like, I hate that place. I hate going there. The people drive me crazy. And that business was actually an awesome income generator for them, but they didn’t appreciate it. And I said to her one day, imagine every time you say that, you’re saying that to a friend. Could you imagine saying to a friend, I hate that person and I hate going to see them. Do you think they’d hang around anymore? It’s the same with the energy of that business.

[00:29:36]

So all of a sudden, she changed her language and became more appreciative, and not only did it perform better, but they really were grateful for the fruits that it gave them.

Practice number 2 is about writing it down. And as you would have heard, there was a lot of talk about a gratitude journal. So this is an opportunity to practice and amplify our attitude of appreciation. I’m gonna give you a few practices here, so you just take the ones that feel the best to you. The first one is to state to yourself 100 things that you’re grateful for in a day, and you’re probably thinking, Madisen, 100? I’ll start you off. I have legs that walk. I have arms that can embrace my puppy dog and my cat.

[00:30:32]

I can breathe, see, hear, and go outside. I live in a safe environment, have food on the table, am surrounded by amazing people, and am healthy.

[00:30:44]

My family’s healthy. I live in a beautiful home. I live in a stunning country that people around the world come to visit. I’m grateful for my mom. I’m grateful for Minka, my Pomeranian. Well, I’m actually hers. And I’m grateful for Talia, my cat, because we don’t really own our pets. But anyway, I’m grateful for all my friends.

[00:31:02]

I could do one for each one. I’m grateful that I have the skills to do things that I’m passionate about. I can be grateful for my lunch. I can be grateful for my dinner. I can be grateful that I had an easy and flowing day. So it’s not hard to get up to 100. The other thing is gratitude and appreciation journal. When you wake up, you just might wanna start with wake up and go, thank you.

[00:31:27]

You know, you woke up that day. A lot of people might wake up in pain or not wake up at all. With the gratitude journal, you can also, when you’re going to bed, do an audit of the day and write down all the things that you actually appreciate. If you wanna be a little bit more robust and really get into that feeling of appreciation, set a timer, say, on your phone or every 1 hour or so, and then note down what you’ve been grateful for during that period. Even a 5-minute daily gratitude journal can increase your long-term well-being by more than 10%, and that’s the same impact as doubling your income. Pretty powerful. One of the most beautiful things I hear is parents who sit with their children at dinner, and they talk about what they’re grateful for every day or just before they go to bed. And now for practice number 3, which is our heartfulness slash mindfulness practice.

[00:32:23]

If you’re in a place where it’s safe to sit or lie down and relax and you’ll be uninterrupted, let’s begin the practice now. Otherwise, you can always pause the podcast and revisit this later. Taking time to comfort yourself or you can sit up or lie down, just keep everything on cross so that we have that beautiful energy flow. Start using that beautiful breath, breathing in deeply and breathing out. One more time, breathing in that beautiful life for us and breathing out. Breathe in, and the next time you breathe out, just feel your body relaxing more and more. Imagine, sense, or feel that you’re becoming more and more relaxed from the top of your head to the tips of your toe. Feel your entire body softening, releasing any thought, activities of the day.

[00:33:56]

And I want you to focus on a time where you felt really grateful for an experience or a person in your life. You don’t need the specific. You can. That’s great. But just call the feeling, the emotion, thoughts, whatever it is, for a time that you felt most grateful for a person or a circumstance in your life. And as you consider that, I want you to scan your body as best you can. And where does that feeling or sense sit within your body? The scanning your body, feeling or sensing that appreciation, and where does it sit within your body? And when you locate it, I just want you to put your hand there. And if you feel that throughout your entire body, then place your hand on your heart center which is that space in the center of your chest.

[00:35:15]

And if you’re not sure where it’s sitting within your body, again, place your hand in the center of your chest in that heart space. And as you breathe in and out, I want you to amplify that sense feeling emotion thought of gratitude, like a flame is being ignited wherever you’ve put your hand. Allow it to start spreading throughout your entire body, all your energy system, amplifying that appreciation. Igniting each of your cells with it. It becomes impregnated into your daily state. Relaxing more and more, softening. Imagine, sensing or feeling the experience within your body of gratitude and appreciation, amplifying it now. And now, consider your day, or if you’ve just woken up, how’s your sleep? And add that into the energy system.

[00:36:52]

Everything that you’ve appreciated. Just list them and add them, creating a big energetic sphere of joy and thankfulness. And know that you can reactivate this experience just by touching the part of your body as a reminder to reignite the feelings throughout your day so that you attract more of the same. Reveling in this state, and now coming back into where you are seated or laying, taking a few deep breaths in and out, becoming more present to your physical surrounds. Wiggling your fingers and toes, coming back and opening your eyes when you’re ready. How did it feel to invest the time in focusing on the magnificence you’ve had and currently have in your life? It’s a really beautiful way to integrate the practice of gratitude. So it’s not just a thought. You’re not just creating a list of everything you’re grateful for, but you’re really feeling it.

[00:38:41]

The vibration is resonating within you. Remember, like attracts like, and we are training the subconscious mind that we like this stuff to bring on more of the same.

Thank you so much for your time today.

If you find this podcast valuable, please subscribe, download, and share your love with those around you. You can also head to my website for the show notes and explore other free resources, including an awesome paper on the signs of gratitude by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

There is no time and space, and we are all connected. So, I’ll believe in you until you believe in yourself.

Thank you so much for letting me live my why, and I truly appreciate you today and every day.